The Battle of Belonging

Belongingness 

[bih-lawng-ing-nis]

noun:

1. the quality or state of being an essential or important part of something. 

Belong

[bih-lawng]

verb:

1. to have proper qualifications, especially social qualifications, to be a member of a group.

I am sitting here staring at these two words that have such a strong meaning in today's society, yet the more I gaze upon them, they don't even look like english at all. It is absolutely insane that "belonging" is so engrained in the American culture. It is not just present in those of us who are fresh into the world, struggling to navigate society and find where our "rightful" place. It even affects those who have wandered the earth for several decades, regardless of how successfully they have been operating their life. Lately, due to media and certain empowering movements, it seems as though the world is wanting us to draw on our uniqueness in order to deter sameness. As important as individuality and independence is, secluding yourself or trying to be so "un-similar" from those around you is something instinctively we just cannot manage. When you strip away the superficial facade and get past all the guarded and carefully worded opinions/beliefs, deep down in side, we all want to fit in and feel like we are not alone, not different, not left out from any group or anything in society. So, why is it so important to fit in? Why is it that those same individuals who are so empowered to be different still feel sad when they are excluded from something that could be as little as when they do not get an invitation to a dinner with friends? Even if you say you do not care that you are not apart of something, you do because we grow up with this ideal that being a loner or someone who does not have friends or belong to a group is not socially acceptable. You simply cannot re-wire your brain to believe otherwise.  Everyone wants to feel included, to feel like they actually matter to someone other than the tiny bubble of people they interact with daily. To belong to something is one of the best feelings in the world but the day you no longer,
a.) become important to that group
b.) meet a qualification to be in that group
c.) or are valued,
your world can feel like it has flipped upside down and can be hard to understand.

However, we must understand that as we age, the categories or groups we want to be apart of or feel we fit in with, will change just as the definition of a "group" will change. For example, we begin to battle this sense of belonging from the time we are young children when being one of the fastest kids on the field at recess or a decent hand-ball or tetherball player made you an automatic member of the "cool kid" group. Our belongingness was determined by simple outdoor activities but as we matured it shifted primarily to who you hung out with, at least in middle school. High school (middle school as well) were some of our hardest years for all of us because one of the toughest wars we face in the battle of belonging takes place during this time period. We are judged so critically based off of the people we surround ourselves with or the sport we play or don't play or if we are an "over-achiever" or not.

In high school, especially, we had to learn to deal with the harsh reality that sometimes, we will never will fit a certain mold. This realization forms from several years of heartache and an overflow of tears (regardless of gender) because all that mattered at that age was fitting in and being just like those around you because anyone who dared to be different or made choices you did not agree with, was considered an outcast. As you reach your freshman year in college, you look back immediately and question why you cared so much about what others thought. You go through this phase of wondering how you could be so immature and place such a strong value to what others had to believe about you and why fitting in was your number one priority. As a college student, or even as a regular adult, you may think you will never have to deal with the hardship of "fitting in" after getting through some of your worst and most insecure years. You may believe that drama ends and that you won't ever have to utter the following two sentences of "Why do I not fit in?" or "Where do I belong now?" again. But unfortunately, I promise you, you will. There is no doubt about it because life is a constant crazy journey and hard times don't ever disappear. 

As an adult, there will be a handful of times where you feel lost, left out, alone and unimportant to those around you. Maybe it is because you will dislike a future job when you find out that you don't fit in or share the same interests as your coworkers. Perhaps you enter into a work environment or friend group and no one thinks to include you because you are new. Or a group of friends you identify with will completely change directions with a new year. Maybe you will have to cope with not being in an organization you loved dearly and have to learn how to exist without letting it define you anymore.

Life is meant to bring us challenges and one of those is a battle of belonging- simply finding your fit in this world. Everyone wants to feel included, there is no doubt about that. There will be times when you feel like you are completely lost in this world but when you are in that moment, try to gather your strength and keep on fighting your battle in order to find your way in this world. You will win it eventually. After all, making it through middle school and high school is proof enough!

The Beauty of a Struggle

"Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place."

       I stumbled across this quote tonight while doing some late night surfing on the web. It was not that this quote is effortlessly worded and abundantly flows from the heart who wrote it, but what struck me as beautiful is how perfectly it states everything I needed to hear or read in this moment. Perhaps it was something needed for some as you as well?  Life, as we know it, is a whirlwind full of many tremendous twists and turns that lift you high in the sky and alternately take you on a rough ride, sometimes grazing the ground in a manner that may seem impossible to ever get out of. However extreme or steady and unchanging it may be, life is an incredible and an exquisite journey none-the-less. Lately, that journey for myself and some of those around me has not been the most pleasurable.

     I am not sure why all of my late night blog-able thoughts come to me around one in the morning… Especially when I have to wake up for class in just a few hours but as I have been laying in bed, reflecting over the past few days, what has stood out most is how I have handled trekking through this current and unique valley of mine. What has made this journey so challenging for me is that I was not able to handle it the same way as other rough times in the past. I have found that you really cannot approach all situations with the same mindset. Sometimes there simply will not be a way to immediately look on the bright side of things and let hope for the good times ahead, be the only thing to dust you off and pick you up from the ground. Sometimes you have to dig deep into your emotions, be frustrated and cry it out. Depending on the type of person you are, you may need to confide in one or two people close to you.  I am an example of this because I usually have a hard time asking for help or talking about what I am going through because I am so used to being on the listening end. I know there are many others in my same situation. On the other hand, some have no problem openly relying on others to get through tough times and easily reaching out for help. There are also those who deal with everything on the inside and bottle things up. Although it is not the best way to deal with things, sometimes it is inevitable. I know for sure that I fall into that category and most everyone does at some point in their life.
 
     No matter what type of person you are and how you approach a difficult time in your life,  what you can't do during that process is let the valley transform you into something you are not and keep you from getting to that high point again.  Like the quote says, don't allow the tough times harden you, your character and your temporary emotions into permanent emotions. Though you may be struggling now or frustrated in this moment, don't let it cloud your vision of the world we live in or the way you perceive others.

Believe in the beauty of the struggle, always.